The first story comes from a friend I’ll call Lionel. This story gets the distinction of inspiring me to write about the various online dating horror stories from friends – friends who could likely have avoided these disastrous outings if only they’d utilized my background check service. Lionel and I were recently sitting down over cocktails, sharing our dating woes, when he shared a recent story that had me laughing my ass off at him for putting himself in such a terrible situation. Here he was – friends with the person that runs a dating detective company – going on a date with a girl he didn’t have any info on other than a phone number and a first name, against his better instincts. This is how accustomed we are to putting ourselves in dangerous situations, thinking we have no other options.
So let’s get to it. Lionel met a girl on OkCupid (let’s call her Sandy) who was a cute art major and lived about twenty minutes away. Over the course of a couple of days, Lionel and Sandy exchanged some messages, the conversation moved to texting each other outside the app, and one night, out of the blue, Sandy invited Lionel to her place for drinks. Lionel was bored and figured, like many of you do, that the worst thing that could happen during the night was that he’d get an amusing story out of this. He admitted that a woman inviting him, sight unseen, into her home for their very first meeting did set off some alarms for him – what if this was all a set up and Hannibal Lector was waiting for him, instead of his potential paramour? – but he decided “Eh, I’m a guy, I’ll risk it.” En route, Sandy messaged him to pick up a bottle of champagne for them to share. Lionel’s gut immediately shouted “ABORT! ABORT! GO HOME!” but since he was almost there, he stopped by a liquor store and then continued on to her place.
The complex she lived in was nice, somewhat easing Lionel’s concerns, and the doorman let him up. Upon knocking on her door, though, Lionel was met by a heavily intoxicated, word-slurring Sandy. She was so incredibly drunk that she could barely form a sentence or hold herself steady. Lionel quickly realized she was absolutely, no-holds-barred out of it. She grabbed the bottle of champagne and led him into her apartment, even as he was quickly regretting his decision to come over. Sandy uncorked the champagne, poured them each a water glass of it, and then sat him down on her futon, immediately starting to do an unsteady, sexy dance for him while she slurred her way through telling him how hot he was. Lionel realized this girl was beyond incapacitated, and he attempted to get her some water and suggested that rather than continue with her would-be strip tease number, maybe she might want to sit down and just hang out for a bit.
Sandy sat down for a couple of minutes, but she was still unable to carry on even a basic conversation, being so drunk that she either inappropriately laughed at Lionel’s questions, or just stared blankly at him. She then suddenly flipped the futon down so that it became a bed, began laughing, started to gyrate in the beginnings of another inexplicable dance routine – and then immediately collapsed on top of poor Lionel, snoring to beat the band.
There he was, the dead weight of a passed out, drunken stranger on top of him, as Lionel struggled to wriggle out from underneath her and also to figure out if it was safe for him to scram. From the moment he walked into the door to the moment she passed out, all of fifteen minutes had passed. Fifteen minutes. Guys, that’s awfullllllllll.
So Lionel was now at some strange, passed-out girl’s house looking around and wondering “How the hell did my life choices bring me to this moment in time?” as well as: “This girl needs to be more careful! She doesn’t know me at all – what if I was some skeevy pervert that she let into her house??”” Having wriggled free, Lionel dumped the rest of the champagne down the kitchen sink, left a note for Sandy that it was nice meeting her and that when she passed out he figured the respectful thing to do was to let her sleep soundly in her own home, free of a stranger being there – and then he split. (For the record, Lionel did hear from Sandy several hours later that she was still alive, if slightly embarrassed. It was, hoever, not a love connection).
What might an Aste report have turned up for this girl? Maybe we would’ve found picture after picture of her downing tequila shots on her social media profiles. Maybe we would’ve uncovered other information that would have given Lionel pause before he put himself in this situation. For certain, had Lionel reached out to Aste BEFORE he went on this date – c’mon Lionel, you have my cell number! – he would likely have been armed with enough information to have avoided putting himself in this very uncomfortable position. And man or woman, it is NEVER a good idea to have your first meeting with a date at someone’s home! There is just too much risk involved, and even though this person may seem cute and flirtatious online or over text, you just don’t know who you’re really meeting until that first face-to-face. Be smart, use your common sense, and remember that companies like Aste can help remove some of the mystery, uncertainty, and danger from the world of online dating!
All we need is a first name, phone number, and location:
Light and love always,
