Being the Head Sleuth of a company that checks out people that use online dating apps AND being a person who uses online dating apps has given me a super in depth view of what we’re all doing here. To sum it up before I start, if you understand this giphy, you’re right there with me.
Without further ado, let’s talk about the things we encounter while trying to find love online.
- The sore index finger. Tinder is the new carpel tunnel.
- The Swipe Zone. Have you ever zoned out during a swipe session and realized you had no idea what the last few people even looked like but you no’d them anyway?
- The one that looked like the other one. Wait, didn’t I match this guy like yesterday? Oh wait no, he’s into Game of Thrones and the other guy was into Schitt’s Creek. I could’ve sworn….
- The never ending barrel of damn people. Though overwhelming with so many choices, the second the game runs dry you think… “Have I finally hit the end of the internet? Is love officially dead for me? Oh wait, here’s a new one… he’s cute!”
- The ultimate time waster. Bored of switching between Facebook and Instagram on your phone to kill time? Open up your third app! The dating app! Now you can judge strangers and get an ego boost!
- The bots. The camgirls are rampant for you men. Though I’m personally still waiting to find a camguy to proposition me for a good blog story. Speaking of inappropriateness…
- The dick pics. The internet has covered this issue.
- The over the top profiles. Sure, you telling the world that you’re into some pretty heavy stuff makes for a good laugh, but just go to the site that specializes in Bronylove and save my finger a swipe left. (Brony: Adult male fans of My Little Pony).
- The CTRL-C —> CTRL-V. Thanks for sending my friend the same message as you sent me. We’re writing back to you at the same time to tell you you’re doing this wrong.
- The traveler. Oh you’re here from another state for a night? That’ll make for an amazing first and only date.
- The group photos. Which idiot are you in the bunch? And you’re an idiot because you’re making me have to work to figure out if I like your smile.
- The one that looks nothing like his photos. Because you hired Aste and they found pictures of the person on their social media accounts that show a whole different side of of them.
- The ignorer. Thanks for matching. Let’s definitely not talk to each other.
- The message without reading your profile. “Where do you live?” Go away.
- The one picture only. Nice sunglasses.
- The empty “about me”. Okay cool, so you want to wear my skin as a mask.
- The one who unmatches you mid-conversation. This happened last week. And don’t worry, I found him on Facebook and messaged him to tell him to be a better human.
- The never-ending messaging that leads to ghosting. I love wasting my time getting to know someone I’ll never meet in real life. I obviously have nothing better to do.
- The married asshats. When Aste found your two Facebook profiles, one had your wife in all the pictures.
- The multiple apps. With the same people. Wasting the same time. Hating the same process.
- The one you still keep in touch with and never met. Hi Tim!!! ????
- The juggling. Did you know the average person is talking to six people at once?
- The soul crushing-ness of it all. Can’t we go back to when we used to meet at a bar, exchange numbers, and remember that the person you met is an actual human with actual feelings?
- The moment of glory! Omg – this person is finally different from the rest of them! Date number three was incredible! I can’t wait for us to go to that thing we were just talking about! My friends are going to love him! Let me text him and see when he’s around to hang out again!
- and…. the ghost. You sir… can go ahead and f*ck right off.
Sound about right? Yeah, I thought so.
Most of this we can’t get away from. Some of it we can. Aste is here to help you find uncover the stuff they are lying about. Like being a bank robber, being six months pregnant, being 10 years older than they say they are… yeah. Their online presence can reveal a lot more about a person than what they’re putting out there on their online dating profile. And we’ll find it for you.
What are you waiting for? Click to get started:
*Cheers* to a better online dating experience!
Love and light,
