10 Things Women Should Know About Mens’ Challenges Dating Online
Hi everyone! I’m Mr. Match (as Julie aptly named me). I had the great privilege of meeting Ms. Julie several months ago, and I’m a big believer in Aste (no, I wasn’t compensated for this!) and the quest for a more perfect union when it comes to online dating. So I volunteered to write this article on behalf of the “good guys” out there, to highlight some of the challenges men face when online dating. I’m an average, early 30s Boston-area based guy who has been on/off the dating apps over time. Met some great people, told a few good stories the next day, and am still looking for someone great, but will settle for extra-ordinary. Fortunately/ unfortunately, I’ve had a bit of experience in this department, so passing along some wisdom…
1. The numbers are against us – According to a recent study by US News and World Report, women achieve approximately 38 times more matches than men (keeping in mind that 78% statistics are made up on the spot). As they say in the Hunger Games, “May the odds be ever in your favor.” We get it, you’re an attractive woman, you get a lot of matches, so we have to adjust by standing out from the crowd. Try to cut us a little slack.
2. Pre-ghosting is annoying – Not to invoke Casper here, but there are two types of ghosts online: pre-ghosting, and ghosting. Pre-ghosting is when you match with someone (i.e. swipe right) and then say nothing. If you’re not interested, just pass. We’ll have to rebuild our shrines honoring you, ha, but we’ll survive.
3. Ghosting is a two-way street – In terms of regular ghosting, it’s no fun. You don’t like it when we do it to you, so we respectfully ask that you don’t do it to us.
4. Asking for a phone number is not creepy – I think that online dating represents the most basic form of inter-humman communication, similar to when men high-five each other. It’s trite and not particularly comprehensive (insert “LOL” or “haha” verbal grafitti, [here], to fill in the conversation). I’m a big caller in general, so if the conversation’s going well, I’ll usually ask for someone’s number to properly ask them out. I don’t think it’s creepy, and most women seem to like it. Having said that, guys, if they’re not responding – don’t pretend this is Baghdad and then bomb them with texts. Be a mensch.
5. Minimal info – I’m a big believer in this one. Sometimes, I’ll run across a woman’s profile and she’s attractive and seems like a nice person. But, when the profiles are empty, it doesn’t give us a lot to work with. I always look for “the hook” – something interesting about themselves to ask them about (“I train seals,” “my Dad’s Obama’s cousin,” “I can cook a mean lasagna.”) If we don’t have a lot to work with, it’s hard to elevate the conversation, so help us (help ourselves) to elevate the discourse. Fill out your profile.
6. Losing on a technicality – I define a technicality as a “controllable foul” – meaning, it’s a screw up that we should have planned better for: not having a reservation at a busy restaurant, no dressing properly, breath that smells like ISIS (haha) — obviously, you should dock us for these. But, don’t sweat the small stuff (he was five minutes late), and I promise we won’t either.
7. Flirting is healthy – If you ask Julie, she’ll tell you I’m a big flirt. I like the pursuit, and it’s fun when you get a nice rapport with someone to flirt a little bit. Occasionally, women have been turned off, even when it’s perfectly harmless. I get it, there are plenty of shirtless wonders out there who have harassed you on Match, but I’d like to think I’m not one of them (what decent guy takes shirtless selfies, anyway?), so give me a little chance to get to know you innocently.
8. TMI is TMI – I’ve been out with women who’ve shared their life stories, talked about exes, and left me knowing what kind of puppy chow little Muffie eats. No one likes an oversharer, and it can be a major turnoff and is possibly indicative of Stage V clinginess. Men are equally guilty here, most likely, but I’d say it’s usually related to “sexual conquests” or if you’re a dermatologist, they’ll share too much about that eczema…
9. Women take better pictures than men – Yes, you look fantastic in that red dress. Bridesmaid? Wow, stunning. Us? Meh, I like to think that men aren’t nearly as photogentic as women, primarily because J. Crew Slim Fit isn’t flattering on all of us. Give us a little shot after the photos; remember, no one likes beer the first time they try it either.
10. There are good ones out there – I know how stressful/challenging/ annoying/draining online dating can be. Totally been there. Don’t lose hope, there are a lot of guys who just don’t have as much experience or who are shy. We promise to get better when we’re swing and miss, but give us a shot at the plate – a glass of wine is only an hour of your life. There’s nothing worse than hearing, “Most of the guys I’ve dated are scum bags..” and the shining handsome mug (ask Julie, she’s seen me) sitting across from you just wants a shot to change your mind…
Next edition: 175 things guys shouldn’t do to be creepy or lose on a technicality (make a reservation, for the love of God, OpenTable is so easy).
Happy dating, and date safe!
And before you ever meet up with someone you met online…
Do your due diligence or have us do it for you. Come on it’s easy. Just click below. People lie all the time about some massive red flags you’d want to know about. It’s gross and unsafe and you now have an option to let someone do the research on your match for you. For the price of the first round of drinks? Yeah, I’d say it’s worth it.
And if you’re in the Boston area looking for a date with Mr. FBI, send me an email ([email protected]) with a little bit about yourself and I’ll forward it along 😉 #datesaverandmatchmaker4eva
Love and light,